Seen “it” before (in passing)

Genre: Bullshit | Developer: Gamesrevenue

///Fucking horrible formatting warning !!!- we’re still putting the cement in the html n` shit. If you got here without a referral welcome to the construction hole///

I have to go wild on my spin-doctor turd spooling skills for this one because the game is shallower than the thumbnail over there. Perhaps a font size bump is in order too. So, here we go…

 

Hello and welcome to the most venerable website by the name of

SexGameSlayer.com

We in our humble humility on this fine and not so sunny day, want to bring forth before you and to your attention a new product that we encountered on our long illustrious and eventful journeys, on which we set out every so often.

 

As this bedazzled writer wondered the vast and unforeseeable roads of life, among random events and happenings an encounter transpired with the participation of a self declared amusement apparatus by the name of smutstone.
This product being an application running in the digital environment of the amazing internetz, fully complete with images and drawings, cursor movement, being able to click the left button, then also independently and simultaneously the right button.

By that of course we mean the mouse buttons. In fear that you dear reader shall think the game does not have buttons of its own. We are here to assure you and the public that our duty is fulfilled and we can confidently state to you and all worried people.
-The game certainly comes with it’s own buttons – and a few extra gimmicks too!
Via numerous sophisticated technological leaps and advancements in the long standing human civilization this game can also scroll things with the mouse wheel.
(*Site admin note: The above last statement being the only lie so far on this “venerable” website)
The journey continues I had a surprising and subtle alerting sensation, rivet down my anus when I was suddenly and most viciously befallen by an existential crisis of cosmic proportions!

-Whether or not it’s is too much effort to press the shift key, to I could possibly, maybe, probably, capitalize the letters of the game title. Considering the preponderance of quotation marks around “game” also being in order – my god the conundrum.
Alas the spectacular battles of principles and bullshittery in my sentient being brain box raged and carried on and on until the decisive blow was finally, utterly and confidently struck by the entertainment apparatus also known as – the game.
Here I find myself in need to ask thee, can any brave soul withstand the?
-Motherfucking, shit sucking, knuckle dragging, dirt eating, self deluded, pants pissed, sub-mediocre, pitty tit-wank dog-cumshot misfire, lazy deadbeat of a  fucking game,!,!,
Absolutely and undoubtedly obvious the demigod creators of this coma inducing gem formed a committee to navigate the profound truth that the mental strain required to experience such a marvel cannot possibly be sustained by mortals under the unrelenting force of awesomeness of the game – a name to not be spoken in vain.
A game so epic and misunderstood that it had to be abandoned to make way for the creation of CuntWars to satisfy the dirt faced plebeian mortals’ tastes.
I mean – SO MUCH to talk about with this game I can hardly every fucking figure out where to begin.
I will not fear, fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little silent death that brings total annihilation. I will face my fear, I will allow it to pass over and through me. And when it’s passed, I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. -Only I will remain.
The moment to finally and proudly present our historic discovery of a game the likes of which no one has ever seen…
-Stand back!
-Back
  – Baaack!
           – Way the fuck more back!!
                           – Are you sure you are ready?
                                              -Did you bring your full plate armor!?
                                                      -Are your suspenders tightened up properly?

 

Battle brothers and sisters we shall dine in the halls of Valhalla with this blaze of glory! -CHAAAAARGE!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A “card game” with sexy models no mortal could have ever dreamed of:
Marvel now at the ultra HD, quantum VR, endless sexappeal of 100×300 pixel art. (footage not edited)
THAT – IS – ALL OF THE GAME.
Too much for you to handle? -Just to be on the safe side and reduce your risk of terminal exposure – you get to have it for just a little bit before they kick you out – there’s barely fuck all to do in there.
Can you already feel the texture of smelly cheese rubbing against your scrotum?
…And my partner has the nerve to say I never relay to people how I feel…

 

Overall:

I have a hard time deciding if this is meant as an insult to card game fans or someone just had a premature finish and dumped their tech demo on nutaku?

-Next time you want to test if your hobo-programmer can do scene transitions, don’t fucking publish it you idiots. Especially if he’s having a hard time figuring out mouse scrolling.

An email arrived from I quote “Curious Idiot” saying:

With $50 spent, I can say it’s doesn’t help. The game can’t deliver anything even to a paying player in terms of balancing or anything else. Your money is better spent if shoved up your ass, burned or if you eat the paper cash for nutritional value.

Given the chosen alias I’ll just say – I won’t be repeating their act of curiosity. I don’t know, their employees must give stellar blowjobs subscriptions for anyone to be tempted to spend money in that turd.

If the game can’t even take care of its customers what is there left to say.

-You lazy assholes – here’s how you mouse scroll a card gallery:

Horizontal Scrolling. It takes less than 60 seconds to google.

Maybe it can take another 60 seconds to copy paste the source code.

-Amazeballs! (in your mouth)

If internet explorer can horizontally scroll its tabs with the vertical mouse wheel – what fucking excuse do you have? -Internet fucking explorer.

If you want to do a basic card game here’s how it’s done:

Reigns: Her Majesty is the revolutionary follow-up to the swipe’em up hit Reigns.

 

 

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