Virgin review

Genre: Catholic Date Simulator | Developer: Kylo Ren

///Fucking horrible formatting warning !!!- we’re still putting the cement in the html n` shit. If you got here without a referral welcome to the construction hole///

Inspiration is not something I feel when doing the first steps in the tutorial. I’m not sure we need a simulation of girls where they turn their nose up on you and you have beg them to notice you exist.  Just go outside, real women will provide you that game with much more depth, flavor and realistic graphics, gravity animated titties bouncing in all directions even… Ironically, having money to throw at it makes it much easier just like in the real world (:

It’s kind of a marriage simulator too, you need to have this or that job and a specific amount of money or she won’t talk to you… It’s pretty good, we can give it to small boys to prepare them for adult life, so they are less confused in their teenage years. Luckily in the outside world roses don’t cost $900 each. But who knows, Crush Crush Moist may take place in a Russian space station. It may even be the successor to the mail order bride service when they figured out money can be made without them actually giving you anything but a few jpgs(:

 

Your very first stage with girls is that you are a nuisance.

 

Nice messaging there – no possible way that any girl would like YOU. Not without a ridiculous amount of sucking up to. I know there will be a lot of people with a taste for that so, no worry – you don’t have to tell me about it.

 

I mean – life is constantly reminding us that the assholes get the girl and that they don’t beg. Pickup “artistry” is all about confidence and acting skills. On the other side, all Crush Crush Moist can offer is the virgin choir boy point of view on dating, straight from chastity school of course.

Tough shit – but, we’ve lived too long in air conditioned concrete boxes to remember how the various social behaviors make sense any more. But I promise I won’t make people think – so hold on and take that pointer off the unsubscribe button!

 

There is a ridonculous amount of clicking involved even for the very first girl. But given that the devs have nothing for you to do other staring idly at timers – you can see why it was necessary to scrape something to suck in your time if not cum.

In the second date you have to apologize and kiss her ass because you defeated her pacman highscore.

Yeah I can totally see that. I’m so sorry dear wife, that I make better pancakes than you, could you ever forgive me!? Obviously those of you not concerned with story elements can just ignore me, I won’t be mad – honest 🙂 Even so, given that you won’t be getting much more than text dialogue in exchange for your efforts most of the time, you may want to take it into account.

 

Hand lotion for $2500… Can’t you just give me a handjob and rub the cum all over your hands instead?

 

Here is the secret, are you ready? When you want to fuck with weird numbers and combine everyday items into the mix. You either make fictional items or at least modify the everyday ones a bit.

In this case if you want to keep the plain lotion you make it a “Magical lotion”. You don’t have to explain what the magic is, you are already in a fictional world. It can easily be worth $400’000 in the player’s mind if it’s magical.

-Next level shit I know. So, when is my flight for the honor ceremony in Stockholm?!

 

If you’re like in your 20s and hove no clue ‘the fuck I’m talking about with Stockholm. That’s the point of references, you don’t HAVE TO get all of them. And if your OCD isn’t leaving you alone. -Get some pizza, add some dry anal if the pizza can’t distract you enough, I don’t know. Most of things that annoy me in life I sat down and trained out of my pissy little brain, just for the shits and giggles. If you think beating Dark Souls was hard and satisfying, try to kick out your shitty everyday habits – that can be very hardcore. (And is why, a handful of people are even trying)

 

Money wise, Crush Crush Moist literally breaks your legs so they can sell you the leftover wheelchairs in their warehouse. Hey, hey – look we know we pushed you in the hole we dug for you, but look here – look here !

-Our private cruiser is ready to take hyperspace jump you anywhere you want for $5…

 

‘The fuck are we? The ground worms in Elysium and you want to impress us with your golden plasma cigarette lighter!?

In case you are wondering – the money mechanics in games are rather a hot topic around the world right now. Crush crush moist is not a particular problem but, the various rants start to bleed into each other.

You know. Someone tries to fuck your wallet. The next day someone else tries to fuck your wallet.

Two days later you knock someone’s teeth out for pointing their hand to your pocket. Maybe they were just about to pick up something from the floor – tough luck.

And what the fuck is with the looks on the dates? Did I get cancer and no one told me? Are you about to cut my throat in the moonlight? (story dialogue doesn’t fit, I’m not hiding the context)

There is a heck of a lot of waiting time to be sneered and condescended upon. If you are a paying player you could probably get a real dominatrix to service your humiliation needs for the money it would cost to reveal the final stages of girls here.

Maybe the developers are totally depressed emos and it shines through.

 

And that’s the uncensored version, I imagine the mainstream one where you have to wait for 3 months and 5 trillion game dollars to take the girl out to a picnic with 2 apples and a soda, where she can say you are ugly and you need to try harder. Maybe if you let her fist you with a boxing glove she will show you her ankle 3 weeks later.

 

In any case, if you like or can ignore the format, Crush Crush Moist is well put together. Well organised and presented. Visual design and sound effects build a comfortable atmosphere, there are no fuckups. No voices sadly. What you see is what you get applies neatly to Crush Crush.

Simple skill system influencing jobs and girl requirements.

If you are tired of pornography, the girls dialogue is very casual as well as their development. They are totally NOT rushing to dramatize sexuality, which I imagine can be a welcome respite in the largely Turbo Porno™ world we live in. Even the sex scenes are relaxed. I imagine they had little choice in that matter given the original content, but so long as it fits well among the rest of it – its fine. The content is very scarce in my opinion, but it works.

The only way I can see myself playing this is if I login for 5 minutes once a week, but then again I’ll likely forget… Ah well… I’ll probably get therapy to overcome my temptation to spend days and weeks of my life apologizing and and being pissed on by frigid teenage twats.

So, you went on to have sex with me, and on top of that called me a jerk?Well – you must be quite brainless to go on fucking the jerks you meet…

 

-Do you want the first onboarding stewardess on the plane to be rude to you, so she can contrast herself against her colleagues? -First impressions for fucks sake, it’s not quantum physics.

Even Hustler magazine can teach the game designers more about psychology than they obviously know.

 

This is also not creative, it’s just a sloppy effort saver. You may as well send the couple to JarJars porn debut.

-Yes my queen, can I …

Hmm… How about you shove someone’s foot in your ass and keep spinning it until your fucking attitude is adjusted?

Oh my god, I agree with you 🙂

-So Cassie, fuck off and go deepthroat some dirty horse cocks, you frigid brat cum-dumpster.

(*Site admin note: -Obviously all that should be taken very seriously. Especially from such polite and sensitive souls like Korgoth -wink, wink.)

/P.S. Fuck you too admin <3. -Motherfucker has time to read this but not to put in the rich text controls – look at the formatting – its garbage./

Overall:

 

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