Virgin POV Review

Genre: Something Or Other | Developer: Playata

///Fucking horrible formatting warning !!!- we’re still putting the cement in the html n` shit. If you got here without a referral welcome to the construction hole///

 

Standing at the front window. Colors reflect off the eye, a skillful hand has made some decent drawing.

Feelings rush in front of slow thoughts and bring the smell of optimism. A figure leaps in front. It’s logic, it sharply pulls the handbrake like a grumpy parent who’s already rode that wave only to crash on rocky shores too often. Wisdom kicks the mess out of the way. Who has time to clean the garbage after the conflicts of mind ruffling shit up? Throw the expectations out the door and try to enjoy things when possible.

 

Let’s make an avatar.

 

-Not bad, well done, attention to detail, effort, style, likely even enjoying one’s own work. Optimism got a strength booster, got good punch in on Logic, gaining some ground. Boy or Girl, an RPG maybe. It better not be the Germans who are writing the stories…

 

Skin color is available but ignored by the random generator. Either a code bug or the company is in the early stage disease of identity politics and is walking on eggshells in a nervous breakdown over what to do with race. Bioware and it’s hipster edgy adolescent developer team had to learn it the hard way over Andromeda – the new breed of popular racist may be hot on american television, but doesn’t really work well when selling a product in a competitive industry. But I know, if twitter takes that much of your time – your face really gets tired…  

 

Which is a science experiment Marvel Comics decided to reproduce just to be sure. But hey by all means – make more companies implode, the survivors are going to get a new wind. The answer is: It doesn’t matter. ANY approach you can take will have an angle the hipsters can complain about and whoever is not mental or hopelessly neurotic won’t care either way, so you may as well ignore the subject. But, don’t just stop there! Hire an affirmative action quota music major as a chief of technology, don’t just stop at security lol – live dangerously – rock on baby!

“The world is full of adventure.”

 

-Oh yeah, amazeballs… Come on, I was really trying.

How about don’t tell me about it – just show me. I mean I want to believe you here but then these guys also used boring text rectangles to tell me how amazing they are:

I just saw your title screen you have 300’000 characters. I promise if you get any one them they will not turn you down. They won’t even ask you to pay them! I know it’s crazy! Half your popup is empty, maybe make that unintelligible thumbnail in the left corner bigger for fucks sake.

Oh, so you do know how to do it, but are only trying, when you want to sell us shit. – Well how about fuck you?

 

We arrived to an ok town, whoever named it is obviously boring, but ah well, the ladies haven’t discovered the wonders of underwear. It could work. I wouldn’t put a pensioner and a farmer as their neighbors, but fine you may want the young male audience to feel a sense of superiority, a bit of a double edged sword.

It would be nice if the character you got to tell me things is actually looking in my direction. Perhaps she shouldn’t appear as if already thinking in full detail of what she will be doing as soon as she gets rid of you here. Doesn’t seem interested in registering you at the moment, but she has to process you with a degree of hypocrisy so she can get her paycheck. Didn’t even bother to introduce herself. This better be good…

I mean it’s cool that you are facing and looking at me now.

 

I was going to say you are now looking at me like I’m your latest victim, but the snowflakes fucking ruined it. So… Fresh meat I guess? Oh cruel and savage mistress, how can you do this to people, have you no fucking heart!? The pop-up said this town was cool, and you fucking hit me with a loading bar right off the gate, it’s not even 60 seconds into the game yet, Jesus! You may as well have given people another text pop-up. “Look here dipshit – this is how you pay. Got it? Move the fuck on and stare into the void for 5 mins while you are at it.”

 

 

I’m sorry but your tits won’t give no solace babe. They are double fake, first a jpg, second looking like fake tits any way. And I can bet my sweet behind you’re going to fuckoff and leave us to stare jaded and alone at the loading bars to come.

Ok, lets wait for 3 mins for the ssssssssssssiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh to pass.

-You can do it K, you can do it, wait for it. We gotta show the audience, hang in there.

 

-What’s next…

An RPG / Shop module. Stats and skills that you can buy. Very decorative items hooked on a procedural generator. Ok, you narrowly canceled the self-destruct, you’d better not be doing this to primarily service the loading bars!

You are killing me here! Why are you shitting on the rainbows. Stop it with the loading bars for gods sake!

Come on! Do something, ANYTHING… Just not fucking loading bar pop-ups.

Don’t send me to a nice looking hotel and tell me my first order of business is to clean the toilets. I haven’t even used them yet! Here I’ll help you!;

There are battles in this thing with other players but really, I’m only going to bother to show them under threat of death from rusty spoon inserted in all the wrong places.

-So here is literally _whatever_ instead… Pretend you saw 2 jpgs move 30 pixels toward each other and back off, because that is what you missed.

 

 

 

There is a jobs module on the HUD, so lets evacuate there…

There is also a social module, but at this point all the big bang game is doing is affecting my bowel movement.

The last thing they have is locked behind level 8. It’s either that they think we are complete morons and could not handle the complexity of 1 more fucking loading bar mechanic. Or someone glanced a GDC event on youtube and caught the part where you have to pace and unveil content. -It doesn’t really apply here when all you have is the same god damn thing. It’s done for shit like crafting. You want to make sure people are comfortable with the items and know how to use them, before you make their bags full crafting mats or ask them to go through complex interfaces they may or may not yet be invested enough to give a shit about.

Side-Topic:

So Germans stepped into the light and rolled the dice of video games once more… Hero Zero was better, regardless that I didn’t like it.

Admittedly their browser game people such as Innogames and Goodgame are doing much better than Crytek, Blue Byte and Deep Silver. (Ofc the first batch of companies always boasting they have talent from 30 countries or whatever, so not much credit for the black red yellow left.)

When you think about it, Germans have only really been good at methodical games that depend on the smooth interaction of variable and complex mechanics. Even so, Blue Byte managed to somehow fuck that up on multiple occasions.

I’ll always remember the error message they gave me once in a strategy game “You ran out of something!” Which I have to admit is a genius social engineering scheme that has almost absolute success at making players press CTRL+W if not ALT+F4.

German entertainment factor is as good as their movies – A live rendition of what chopped wood would look like substituting human actors. And you don’t have to take my word for it. Name two fun german movies? Popular German sex tastes are fairly well known.

Not to mention their dry boring lives are so colorless they’ve even lost appetite for sex as they are constantly fighting for the top ranking of lowest birth rate nation in the world. I guess the guilt trips they’ve been getting since their Sieg Heil days are really killing them. In case that doesn’t – Merkel surely will 🙂 If you are German, you can try to live in Italy and if that can’t break your social brainwashing try India. From what we know, golden showers and dry anal are remedies you folks are immune to, ah well… 🙂

Overall:

 

This is essentially the kind of dressing simulator my 12 year old daughter is playing on her tablet – difference being she only fiddles with the layers above the underwear. Someone sure is pouring good  art into an old rustbucket. And them little girl vanity shop games on the mobile store are getting pretty fucking advanced last I got a glance.

 

If I want to play Big Bang Empire with so little in return I’d just go boot an old multiplayer game and pull out the net cable to stare the loading bar looping to infinity.

(Yeah there was a time where programmers didn’t have the epiphany needed to have connection timeouts coded in.)

Maybe there are a few people who enjoy this by sparing 5 seconds every 2 hours. I wouldn’t call it playing and I don’t have anything encouraging to say about Loading Bar The Game. Unfortunately they were also beaten to it as well as priced out of the market: Steam Link

Either way my humble review can never surpass the timeless take mr. Waititi did on the game.

After he played it for like 20 minutes he got a gun and stormed into IGN’s headquarters demanding he be interviewed about this phenomenon, here’s what he had to say;

Yeah dude, totally – I know right?…

 

 

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