A trip to the retirement home review

Genre: Strategy MMO |  Developer: IO Team

///Fucking horrible formatting warning !!!- we’re still putting the cement in the html n` shit. If you got here without a referral welcome to the construction hole///

Ah, Imperia Online with a facelift a.k.a. Game of Emperors a.k.a. Kingdoms of Lust.

The game is going to be 15 years old soon. That could mean a lot of things, but this is not a case in which they are good. The IO team still hasn’t been able to design an interface better than what computer games were doing in the year 2000.

We’re now using 24 inch monitors and it still isn’t fucking enough to fit their menus on a single screen. Something which gets really embarrassing when put inside an iframe so you get double scroll bars from the nesting.

Big enough games out there usually overhaul their interfaces every few years, but not these guys.

 

Maybe if the power imbalances were modernised in the decade it’s been around, then new audiences would be more perceptive. Sledgehammering people with 100 years of wait timers inspires a sort of awe that doesn’t make for family friendly conversation. Maybe if the power imbalances were modernised in the decade it’s been around, then new audiences would be more perceptive. Sledgehammering people with 100 years of wait timers inspires a sort of awe that doesn’t make for family friendly conversation. I’m not kidding – you can play this thing for 100 years and you still won’t be done researching shit. Which is a not so soft way to say “Pay or fuck off”.

Gives a new angle on “carry the torch”…

A grandfather on his dying bed telling his grandson:

“Please sunny boy, go to imperia online and finish that espionage research that I started when I was your age – May our dinasty finish that fucking game – so help us god.”

Even the king of waiting games Clash of Clans does not go full retard like that. And it’s also not blatantly geared toward the $200 plus spenders. 20-50 bucks is really just going to get you a jar full of hot air so far as Kingdom of Lust is concerned. This approach of course has been working for them, but obviously is in decline like all over-saturated things out there.

You might want to tie your dick in a knot because the power of the cumshots you are about to experience with the following visual presentation is so great they can break your windows. And if you own the coveted pussy there, get creative – come on.

Lets unveil the construction of military buildings;

Obviously you can do more intriguing things like assigning labor around;

A really neat feature from the 90s, which mysteriously started disappearing from the world of popular games back when smartphones made a debut. Unrelated coincidence probably.

Then you have your research:

I skipped ahead to military technology and there is no choice left for you but to murder me now!

Having deprived you from the pleasures of beholding civic research is as cardinal sin as one can get.

Your childhood dreams of seeing that are now ruined. -fuuuuuuuk…

You must wonder what the battles are, given that it’s an mmo with armies. Well, for many long years nobody knew really. The XLS spreadsheet table report was what people got. And it did manage to look worse than this final product.

Somebody eventually got a brain aneurysm and surprisingly decided to do something about it. They vastly contributed to the dynamic world of modern medicine by producing this medical appliance for artificial coma.

And if you can’t handle the awesome yet, I just have to show you how much more fascinating it was before that;

Back in the day someone sharted out their 3d experiment and published it. A module that disappeared very quickly after release as the world wasn’t ready to handle the AMAZE!

 

Apparently 160 employees in 3000 square meters of space can’t take the godless challenge of visualising a battle. I suppose their interfaces should have given people the hint already.

 

Admittedly, few companies in the genre even try, because their battles are organised more simply as to avoid heavy loads on their server machines. Even so, clearly someone in project management wasn’t thinking when this shit was made.

 

They apparently fully realize how much they suck as you can see none of this crap is in their mobile app gallery:

Alas, why they haven’t fixed it in 10+ fucking years will be a mystery nobody really gives a fuck to solve. Not even senile grandpa scooby doo.

 

I mean, if they don’t why should we?

 

Don’t really know why a corporate site would boast the amount of office space they got… But as you can see so far – they guys are just full of splendor and mystery. Maybe they’ve kept their project managers in a tiny basement sex dungeon for long years and they needed to signal the world HOW BIG they are, now that they are out. We may never know.

 

They may even be kind of tired of this near 15 year old product, and are looking to sell their space. Time will tell.

I know your enthusiasm is drying up now, but hey are you sure you don’t want to see another spreadsheet / menu / module?

(*In compassion to suffering, two feature paragraphs of the article were removed.  They were inoffensive actually, just menus. Best regards – site admin.)

… You are spot on, now that you’ve been noticing the distinct lack of nude girls so far.

 

I know you are all out of cum after so much excitement and you’ll be wiping it off your screen for days, even though you tied your dick in a knot, but I apologize. I’ll send my dear friend Site Admin, to help with the cleanup – I hear he is a grandmaster on the subject.

 

There are some girls shoved in a tab in one of the very many menus you’ve had the distinct honor in looking at so far. They have some pretty good artists in every aspect, as their drawings have been cool over the years:

All the versions of their game are fairly good looking.


I imagine their company couldn’t exist if they were ugly, as there isn’t a whole lot else going on with them in terms of improvements with them.

I’m not intrigued by a little menu tacked on to the side of the game. But fine I’m not going to complain at length about the wallpaper on the sinking boat.

I suppose they even added a GIF on top. There’s at least that…

Overall:

The game isn’t bad as a strategy, or at least it wasn’t 10 years ago, but the world has moved on since then.

 

Don’t get me wrong. It is highly commendable to make a game reaching millions in about 30 languages.

Imperia Online was one of the pioneers on the market of web browser strategies.

 

But then again, being like a musician with just 1 good song in their life, then fading into obscurity doesn’t help people distinguish if you are talented creator or just a random lucky break of fate.

The indisputable arbiter of truth that is the internet says this is a mmo sex game:

It’s no more a sex game, than pizza is a vegetable or the second picture is a rare piece of candy, however much you would like to pretend otherwise;

Well, I suppose there are worse things you could be doing with your life…

Market History:

The devs must have been pretty desperate to seek out Nutaku’s smelly cock and give it a whirl for its money.

A venture I would a guess isn’t working amazingly considering the games and audiences surrounding them on the platform.

Given that nutaku is basing front space distribution on ratings I may even be closer to the truth than I guess.

 

History the way I saw it is that a lot of people were hungry for something better than the PC games the world had at the time. Hardware was getting improved so audiences got a smell of better strategy games in the browser considering text based ones were warming up the appetites for quite a while.

Ideas were floating around in a lot of people’s heads. And eventually Travian kicked off the bar higher with a reasonable product for it’s time. Then everybody with a keen eye who observed, realised the potential and entered the market, including Imperia Online.

 

Tribal Wars had already established a text based brand, but needed more cooking to become an international game. Given the favorable reception of the global release of Tribal Wars it became a bit of a gold rush. They even kicked off into Grepolis confident they have a good handle on the template.

 

Later on the scene Goodgame studios joined and basically showed all the fools how it’s done with one of the most technically sophisticated creations to ever see the light in browser strategy games. Even they of course later got rammed by the growing competition especially from cross platform ones like Game of War and the like.

Literally to this day when people tell me how adobe flash was never usable, I send them to good game empire. One of the smoothest running flash applications I’ve seen in my life. A product that put to shame almost everyone on the market at the time. Probably even influenced the look of Kingdoms of Lust as well.

 

If you played the older PC strategy games, you won’t be amazed. But shoving all the shit they had in the browser was a pretty big feat, not to mention their presentation and marketing were basically unrivaled to this day. Excluding China and portals this was becoming one of the behemoth companies of it’s time.

 

That’s the point where Imperia, Travian and tons of the lesser and obscure devs started to fade out slowly. Innogames managed to re-tweak the formula over the years and position itself on the mobile market to stay in the competition. Goodgame were slaying left and right with their growth. Innogames unlike most others created a studio that continued on to build not just 1 single successful game.

 

While Imperia was fucking around with their single trick pony – the smarter people of the world were building brands and franchises.

 

When you think about it, the IO bulgarians were never a match for the germans in a technical competition. But ah well, they and some their countrymen tried for a while. Maybe they’ve learned something. We’ll see. Their steam release was a disgrace. Unlike some of their competitors oddly.

 

I wouldn’t have bet my money that browser game ports would be received favorably on steam, but there are some enjoying pretty good ratings. Proving the point that people can put up with the most egregious cheap-shit money grabbing schemes so long as games present themselves well and play their cards right. True that stuff like My Lands entered the scene years later and looked like it was made in the 70s – but still somehow they manage to do better interfaces than Kingdoms of Lust 🙂

 

And if you had the legendary patience to make it so far on the page – Cheers:

 

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