Virgin Review

Genre: RPG-Ish  |  Developer: IO Team

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Well well well, what do you know, went for an alpine trip and came back to find …

…Was about to say Imperia people are shitting on the carpet again, but that would have been full prejudice.

I haven’t actually played this, so let’s see what they’ve learned from the gaming world in all those years.

An rpg? Is it balls meets opportunity or some twat thought they can take on the world in the middle of their LSD trip.

They are trying for a story but it stops going anywhere after you get into the game and go play. The story is largely an intro bit as they maybe understand how bland and generic it would be without anything.

We’ll take moment now to reveal the 11th world mystery for you. A technique so evolved and transcendent it’s has no equal! Should you wan’t to attain the grandmastery of drawing the human form.

We here at SGS have decrypted the enigma of making a background with chicks! The hardest part is the lips – here’s how they were made…

Are you ready, HERE WE GO!

Looking at faces, shapes and colors makes it seem like, 4 different people drew that. Or maybe the same person did it and the better characters slipped out in the lucid moments of their hangover. That would explain why some of them have actual human faces and complexities, while others are cheap shit graphic novel humanoids.

These characters are definitely looking better than that marketing background. Or maybe the blur is less visible because of the smaller size – air brush ftw yo.

What do you know, we have ourselves a hoarding game. Not only equipment, but a crafting system. High stakes move. Having enjoyed video games from the full time period that they have been around, I can tell you – crafting systems have less than 30% success rate. For every game that’s done crafting barely ok, there are two that have failed miserably. I obviously don’t trust these people with stuff as intricate as that, they have shown negative attention to detail over their entire careers.

Primary focus early on is fighting npcs, but who knows the multiplayer may be opened later into the game. Unlike their other game, the beginning here seems far more polished and smooth going. Perhaps they are unfolding the content without swamping the player in.

Smart use of their assets, some things are rearranged it’s not just carbon copy from imperia. Although apparently they didn’t want to put the effort to use the cartoony skin for this one, as their designers would need to spend a few weeks re-cutting imagery. However the npc guide girl is lifted straight outta Kingdoms of lust, to make that bridge link. But not anything else – someone was rushing to get this show on the road, gotta service that nutaku cock fast or it’s going to go elsewhere.

Bastard Sword vs Broadsword vs Longsword, ok, it could work, haven’t seen anyone try a loot game recently for the browser, who knows maybe you’ll do better where everyone else has failed. I wouldn’t bet my money on it, but if you do it’s going to be cool. The german browser people stayed away from this genre and you lost competition to them last time, so we’ll see.

The casual map you’ll be adventuring is ok. Only the big thing is left – battle. If this article end totally abruptly with unfinished words it’s because I’ve flatlined upon finding the re-use of their grandpa battle system.

Ok I guess. You could technically play it. It technically is not bad. Other than some interface confusion there is no epic fail here. What I’m looking at is serviceable to keeping curiosity going, but far from enough to peak interest I’d say. Graphic style of the rpg elements is quite mediocre. Maybe they’ve spend too much time drawing buildings and can’t really do items, characters and stories.

How about you make the basic boring game you already have – evolve and polish it enough to be interesting before you fucking plug in the 10 tier vip system.

Also QA your shit and don’t workaround it like a junior nooblar…

Oh you suspect stuff, do you? Well hurry up and get scooby doo on the case to help you with your mystery there…

Fucking amateurs. Here I am taking time to filter out my dislike of our previous encounter so I can give you fair shake, we’re having an ok time and now you do this to me…


The world is boring, the characters are boring, the items are boring, the atmosphere is boring, the battle is boring. The music is not a thing that can save the day, story is near non-existent. The balance holds up so long as I had the patience to play. Ultimately they have the same problem they did before, they are totally outclassed and outperformed by others. The interface is somewhat improved from the last game. Maybe 10 failed games later they have a chance of catching up with the world.

It’s possible the game even gets tactical at some point as there is a grid – I just didn’t stick around long enough to find out. The nudity is as before – tacked on.

Not a really surprising result. RPGs are one of the proving grounds in the gaming industry. It’s where the men get separated from the boys.

And sorry girls, no affirmative action here – emancipation and all, fighting to overcome adversity is not something women are famous for. I’m really trying here but, all that my brain is doing is sending me back my sister’s death scream in a run for her life retreat from an insect in the bathroom and then the subsequent demands of the man around to go kill it.

(yeah, finding a cool bathroom photo was taking too much time – kitchen it is …)

Maybe one day triumphing over difficulty can be fashionable among the girls – for the near decades, complaining about the struggle of fictional female characters is more important…

I’m sure there will be remarks for generations of how some fat millionaire showed his penis to some fame hungry hollywood actress. But for Rotherham, Telford and Venezuela – not a fucking word out of these people.

But, yo hey! Pay attention here. Check it out… Remember the TED talks, with some very insightful presentations about topical things?

Ideas worth spreading and all…

Here is the wisdom to bury all the classic philosophers, the most cutting edge idea worth spreading to every corner of the world:

“I don’t have a boyfriend – woe is me!”

– Mind fucking blown right? Your old paradigms are dropping out of your asscrack like porn star who lost the marbles and started walking around the room ;D

Now, even if you don’t give a flying fuck about the politics, social trends and don’t want me to darken your world, this shit is not beyond you.

It’s the same scumbag hypocrite moral police that’s non stop banging on gaming companies doors and demanding censorship and more mexican,purple,demikin eskimos be represented in the games. And it’s the same people trying to send a youtuber to jail for teaching his dog do to a seig heil salute to prank his girlfriend.

Not enough female characters ever obviously… Guess what, the solo developer who made the “Stardew valley” – doesn’t go around complaining about there is not enough of _________ in games. He created, developed and shipped just the characters he wanted.

If these people had their way – porn or kinky games would be shutdown forever – I know it never stops, at first gamers were the spawn of satan, next was – games made us into murderers, now this. Sorry, maybe someday the industry will grow balls, in the meantime give your money to people who deserve it. Heroes of Lust certainly isn’t among those.

This is not so much spilling away into random tangents, rather the game is such a grey blur and it’s just so easy to move along talking about other stuff. I’m not stealing away their star power and shining glory now am I.

Then again – would you prefer me to be like those dipshits at… reviewing how they can’t get nutaku’s sweaty balls out of their mouths.

“Hey hey, look look, nutaku has this NEW cool game – amazeballs! Go play it yay! You get to fight enemies in waves, you know one after another – yay! And btw disclaimer – nutaku gives us some of their leftover waffles and used condoms if we don’t say anything bad about em – yay!”

It’s a game out since late 2014 you fool, it’s about as old as nutaku’s cumstain on your left sideburn. Raptors were supposed to be smart ffs.

(I can find the weirdest porn shit, cum on a sideburn only was … not found … email us some home made pics I guess …)


This month’s check from the patriarchy cleared so this gets them their coverage. And btw with the _INSANE_ demand for professionals talking shit about feminism, I totally know you all have been desperately needing employees in that department. I’m here to let the world know I am available yall.

I know the patriarchy got all the good people on the payroll, but my workload and the clandestine meetings are in good order so I can freelance for you on the side!

Obviously, I’m not going to be able to respond to all the infinite offers coming so, please people kind, be cool.

</End disclosure>

-Heroes of Lust a.k.a. Imperial Hero is another game plucked back from the garbage fire of failure.

See, the only way you go to nutaku with a pre-existing games, is if you are all out of options and you’re ready to spread you butcheeks and do some dirty whoring for some sweet money. If your game was cool and successful you just don’t associate yourself with porn people.

Do you see large successful games port to nutaku – no you don’t. Maybe you will someday – but not now.

And it’s not because porn itself is bad. It’s because usually the people in charge of it are brutal and reprehensible creatures, laced in all the trafficking, soliciting, extortion and psychopathy you could ever dream of. Having folks couple and decouple their genitals on live camera is really the least objectionable thing about it all.

And now you are like: “Yo, the game, cmon what about the game?”

Just play league of angels if you need the rpg fix and you don’t use stuff outside the browser.

Technically they both rpg games, like these vehicles both having 4 wheels…

I know it’s a hard decision between the two, but you’ll somehow figure it out…

You don’t get the titty magazine in the yellow bucket if you go with league of angels – but ah well, such is life.

Obviously you can always come up with better ideas… As my partner would say:

“Fuck that japanese ride, I’m going to sell it, get a horse carriage and a simpler more serviceable car, complete with 10 dirty mags on the passenger seat. You can’t dictate my choices like that. -Oh and btw the horse is going to be sleeping in our living room – Te-he~he :)”


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